What’s It Called When Someone Acts Like the Victim but Is Really the Abuser?

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Sometimes, a person who is abusive or controlling will act like they’re the real victim. They might deny what they’ve done, attack the person calling them out, and flip the situation so it seems like they’re the one being hurt. This is called DARVO—which stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It’s a common manipulation tactic that makes the real victim feel confused, guilty, or even question their own memory.

While DARVO itself isn’t a medical diagnosis, people who use this behavior often have traits linked to certain mental health conditions. Some of these include Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD), among others.

There are also other manipulation tactics that can make this situation even more confusing, such as gaslighting (making someone doubt their reality), projection (blaming others for their own bad behavior), and reactive abuse (when the real victim’s emotional response is used against them).

In this article, we’ll break down why some people act this way, the possible psychological reasons behind it, and how to protect yourself if you’re dealing with someone like this.

Possible Psychological Diagnoses:

While DARVO itself is not a clinical diagnosis, individuals who exhibit this behavior may have traits or a diagnosis from the DSM-5, including:

  1. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) (301.81, F60.81)

    • Common in individuals who manipulate others, avoid accountability, and exhibit grandiosity, lack of empathy, and entitlement.

  2. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) (301.83, F60.3)

    • Some individuals with BPD may exhibit splitting (seeing others as all-good or all-bad), intense fear of abandonment, and emotional dysregulation, which could contribute to reversing roles in conflict.

  3. Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) (301.7, F60.2)

    • If there is a pattern of deceit, manipulation, and aggression without remorse, ASPD may be relevant.

  4. Factitious Disorder Imposed on Self (300.19, F68.10)

    • If the person is fabricating or exaggerating their victimhood for attention or manipulation.

  5. Delusional Disorder – Persecutory Type (297.1, F22)

    • If the individual truly believes they are being victimized despite evidence to the contrary.

Additional Considerations:

  • Gaslighting: A form of psychological abuse where the abuser manipulates the victim into questioning their reality.

  • Projection: Attributing one's own negative traits or behaviors to someone else.

  • Reactive Abuse: Sometimes, the real victim reacts in frustration, which the abuser then uses to portray themselves as the victim.

Resources for Handling an Abusive and Manipulative Relationship:

1. Prioritize Safety

  • If there is physical violence, consider calling a domestic abuse hotline or seeking shelter. Your safety is the most important thing.

  • If you feel threatened, create a safety plan, including:

    • A safe place to go.

    • A trusted person to talk to.

    • Emergency numbers saved in your phone.

2. Recognize the Signs of Abuse

  • Emotional Abuse: Name-calling, insults, making you feel worthless.

  • Gaslighting: Twisting facts to make you doubt yourself.

  • Blaming You for Everything: Even when they are the ones hurting you.

  • Controlling Behavior: They try to isolate you from friends/family.

  • Physical Abuse: Hitting, pushing, or any form of violence.

3. Seek Support

  • National Domestic Violence Hotline (U.S.): 📞 800-799-7233 (Available 24/7)

  • Crisis Text Line: 📱 Text "HOME" to 741741

  • Talk to a Therapist: A mental health professional can help you process what’s happening.

4. Document the Abuse

  • Keep a private journal of what happens.

  • Save screenshots of texts or emails that show manipulation.

  • If there is physical abuse, take photos of any injuries and keep medical records.

5. Set Boundaries and Plan an Exit

  • If possible, create a financial plan so you can leave safely.

  • Identify a trusted friend or family member who can help.

  • If leaving is not safe yet, try gray rocking (showing no emotional reaction) to avoid escalation.

DID YOU KNOW…?

🧠 DARVO is so sneaky that even experienced therapists can be fooled by it! That’s why abusers who use this tactic often get away with their behavior for years.

🎭 Some animals fake distress to distract predators! For example, killdeer birds pretend to have a broken wing to lead threats away from their nest. Unlike DARVO, though, their trick is for survival—not manipulation.